Monday, 2 September 2013

Guilt

I think the biggest shock to me through all of this is the emotions that it brings up.  There is frustration at the health care system.  Anger at the cavalier attitude that the doctors seem to take.  Fear of the unknown.  Embarrassment of my now weakened body.  Sadness at the mobility I have already lost.  Uncertainty of what is about to happen.  Relief that whatever this is, isn't worse than it is. 

But what I was very unprepared for was the guilt.  When I was a teenager, I used to say "Guilt is a wasted emotion. There is nothing you can do about it so you are wasting your time feeling guilty about it."  I have held that belief through the years.  I have always tried to live above reproach.  Trying to make the right choices, do the right thing so I don't have to feel bad about my choices.  Didn't always work but I thought I was doing pretty good. 

Here is the part of guilt I didn't get until now.  Almost 39 years old and I am still just figuring this out.  Sometimes the things you feel guilty about are not your fault.  They are completely out of your control.  And because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, I feel guilty. 

I feel guilty for not being able to do my job in the manner that I am used to.  I feel guilty that my husband and kids have to walk beside a scooter in Walmart.  I feel guilty because at work we take turns working Saturdays and I can't take my turn.  I feel guilty that I can't walk my dog like I used to.  I feel guilty that I can't open the dishwasher detergent anymore.  I feel guilty that I need help.  I feel guilty for not being able to do what I usually do with Forever Friends. I feel guilty for the education I have taken and now can't use.  I feel guilty for feeling guilty. 

I know that I shouldn't feel this way.  My brain knows that I shouldn't.  I could not ask for more support from my family and co-workers.  There is no reason that I should feel this way.  But I can't help it.  I did not expect this to be my life.  I know that no one ever expects it to be them.  We take our health for granted everyday.  I was no different.  I just had no idea that this overwhelming feeling of guilt would run so deep. 

And the guilt goes on.
And the guilt goes on.