Monday, 24 March 2014

100 days of happy...Really?

Well it's a good thing that my 100 days of happy don't start until tomorrow. 
Because today -not so good. 
This is my arm today. I've stopped caring what the kids think.
Remember the hives last week...
The DR told me to stop taking the anti seizure pills last week when I got hives.  
I had to wait until the hives got completely better. And then I had to start taking the pills again. (Torture, I swear!)  So today I took the pill again.  I took it at 10 am this morning.  And by five, I looked like this. One pill, one time.  God, its like getting pregnant, it only takes once.  Insert several swear words here. 

I have been getting sicker for about a week now. Feeling like I did in the fall. Dizzy, nauseous, overall achey, really tired and sick.  And then it is really hard to get out of bed. So I try not to. And now I look pretty gross again so I won't be leaving the house anytime soon.  

I have ordered a Lyme disease test out of California last week in order to rule out that as well. Canada only tests for one strain and there are actually four.  A lot of the symptoms really add up, especially the ones that the DR's don't really want to listen to or brush off with a different diagnoses or blame on my age. So we will see. 

I will keep you all posted. For now I am going to have an oatmeal and lavender bath.  Then I will slather up with more lavender and lay under a blanket and try not to move.  If by chance you want to get some lavander feel free to follow the Young Living link up at the top of the page. I love it and you never know when you will get hives twice in two weeks.  It happens, like pregnancy.  Even after jumping jacks...too far...yeah too far...sorry my bitterness this evening is seeping out.  I better go.  

Thank you all for reading and more importantly for caring.   

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Amazed and Blessed: What I wish I could have said

Amazed and Blessed: What I wish I could have said: (I had my speech ready but was too sick to actually go and deliver it this evening.  This is what I would have said.) Good Evening Everybody...

Friday, 21 March 2014

Chemical Laden Babies-Say it ain't so!

This is how ranchers move cattle. With horses or ATV's, dogs and usually their families.

I have been thinking a lot lately about healthy eating lately.  And I have been watching A LOT of TV.  So there is definitely conflicting data (and I use that term loosely) of what is good and what isn't.  I have to say that the ones that show the babies really bugs me.  I am not in the business of calling out baby food companies so they will go unnamed.  But I will say this.  It doesn't seem right.  I can choose, babies can't.

Here is what I know.  Potatoes are potatoes.  I mean real potatoes.  Not instant.  I mean potatoes that you peel, cook, add butter and milk to and mash.  I personally think they are good for kids to eat.  And they are cheap.  Like 20 lbs for six bucks cheap.  There are a huge amount of vegetables and other food that kids can eat, even as babies, that are good for them.

My kids only ate baby food from a jar for a couple months and only ate that when I needed to give them something on the fly especially when we were travelling.  My kids ate scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes and gravy, cottage cheese, you get the picture.  They not only survived but grew up healthy and strong.  One hundred years ago, toddlers lived on table food.  ONLY!  And babies lived on boobs.  It's true! 
Hard to believe, I know but true.

We need to start questioning our purchases more. Do we really believe that we need to give our babies drinks or food filled with sugar, corn syrup and salt?  Our children just need to eat what we eat.  Period.  Now if you don't think what you eat is good enough for a baby, you have a different problem. And what, pray tell, did said baby eat whilst in the womb?  Delivery?  Take out?

Do you realize that these commercials start with words like "Worried they aren't getting enough..." "Picky eaters..."  Do you know why baby food advertisement's do this?  To make you buy their product. To make you doubt yourself and then buy their product.  TV ads are incredibly expensive.  So is farming.  Farmers spend their money buying land, seed and equipment to grow potatoes for you to eat.  They don't have very much money left to try to convince you to feed your kids potatoes. They have to trust that you will want to do that on your own.  

But wait you say, "I don't want to feed my kids chemical! They spray those potatoes in the field and on their way to the store.  My baby will be filled with chemicals."  Yeah because there are no chemicals in these types of foods.  (insert sarcastic eye roll here.)  I'm just saying there is a whole list of things that are in store bought toddler meals. I don't even know what they all are but I know that in a bag of potatoes the ingredients are "potatoes"  And if you don't want to risk chemicals or spray, eat organic. And if you want to be sure, grow your own.  

Do you want to eat beef?  Call a rancher.  They all know their animals. And I am not talking a big feedlot.  I am talking about a rancher.  A guy who calves out his own cows, checks his cattle himself, that remembers what each calf looks like and from sight will know which bull it's off of, even if it's the neighbours.  A rancher that runs his own herd and doesn't use steroids or growth hormones. There are lots of them out there.  A good rancher will be able to sell you a beef that has never had a shot of antibiotics even.  From farm to fork not enough, so how about conception to fork?  Does that seem like enough?  How about two or three generations back?  Is that enough?

We all vote with our dollars.  Use yours to vote in the way that you value.  You have not heard the last of my ranting and raving about food, where it comes from and what we need to know about it.  We all need real food.  Real food.  We need only real things in our life, relationships, people, and food. Today vote with your dollars.  Vote real!

Saturday, 15 March 2014

My week, month, year

So I am going to tell you all about my week.  But in order to really capture it I need to take you all on a short look back.
I will sum it up for you all as to the best of my memory.  Just the high points.

  1.  March 21, 2013, I woke up with a pain in my hip.  
  2. March 23-Ladies Night Out spring auction
  3. April 30- Finally went to DR. Thought the pain would go away.
  4. May-XRays
  5. May 13-told that I have the beginning of bone degeneration and a raised ANA levels.  That this could be rheumatoid arthritis. Referred to rheumatologist. I went into survival mode. Started planning how life would be now. Pain started spreading throughout my body.  Ankles and hips became the worst.
  6. June- Rheumatologist. 
  7. July-Bone scan and Rheumatologist the beginning of twitching in my left hand
  8. August-The pain had worsened steadily and was beginning to overwhelm me.  First visit to hospital because I was stumbling into things, dizzy, brain fog. One MRI
  9. September-week in hospital, spinal tap, celebrex, they took me off of my migraine pills for the time in the hospital, unbelievable migraines, throwing up several times daily, finally refusing celebrex on day 4, left hospital with low dose of amitryptilyne that didn't work even with an increased dose, could no longer work, 2 more MRI's.  Worsening tremors.
  10. October-fairly certain I was going  to die.  I wish I was kidding.  More appointments, sick everyday.  Could hardly stand.  If I had someone stop by, I slept for days  after.  EEG's etc. Tremors turning to a convulsion type episode. 
  11. November-change of pills. slowly started to regain some strength, more appointments.  Because my tests showed nothing, no DR is willing to treat me for anything.  All they did was manage my pain.  Started Lyrica.  Finally some relief of the pain.  
  12. Dec 18-EMG in Saskatoon. Painful test.  DR lost original transcripts.  As best as he remembered 3 months later, anyways.  After I called 3 times for test results.  SAD!
  13. January-No DR would see me until results of EMG. See above. I also got psoriasis on my hand and on my legs.  I got large itchy sores.
    This is not me.  My kids refused to allow
    me to put my picture on my blog.
     Not Cool.  
  14. Feb 28. Neurologist appointment.  Said he still didn't have test results from EMG.  See Above.  However he was willing to try one more thing.  He thought that maybe I had something called PKD.
  15. He put me on anti seizure medication.  This medication was supposed to stop the tremors.  If it worked that would mean that I had PKD.  And it also left the second diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

So here is where I will start off. My DR told me that within 3 days I should start to see a difference. He would do botox for my migraines on March 11. I agreed.  The attacks that would happen to me were worsening.  While having an attack my teeth were now starting to grind.  I was unable to walk during them.   I retained consciousness through out. I had one about every 3 days.  I did not believe that the pills would work. By this time I had given up hope really.

However after 5 days, I began to notice a difference.  I had not had an attack.  I was starting to notice my hands were steady.  My steps were more sure.  I finally allowed myself to hope.  By March 9 I was over the moon.  The pills worked.  I had a solid self diagnosis. PKD and Fibromyalgia.  I was going to get better.  I started toying with the idea of going back to work within a couple of weeks.

And then it came crashing down.  I went to the hospital on March 11 to get my botox injection.  I showed my DR my steady hands.  I was excited.  So was he.  He assured me that he would do whatever he could to help me.  He injected the botox into 31 locations on my forehead, between my eyes and all around my head and neck. He found a lymph node in my neck that was swollen.  He made an appointment for it to have an ultrasound the next day. (like I need more stress.) And I left.

I drove home happy that everything was coming together.  Stopped had lunch with a friend and headed home.  Finished out my day and went to sleep.

During the night I thought my skin was dry.  It was so itchy.   I woke up Wednesday morning after a very restless night.  And looked in the mirror.  WTF! I was covered in hives.  Head to toe.  Incredibly itchy itchy hives.  I called the DR office.  Apparently I am the first person in ten years that has had a reaction to botox. She said she would mention it to the DR and to take an antihistamine.  Five minutes later the DR called me back.  He was very concerned.   He was unsure how to approach it.  He decided that there was a possibility that the anti seizure drug was causing the hives or possibly the combination of the drug and the botox as he had never had a reaction to just the botox.  I was to stop taking the anti seizure drug and see if the hives went away.
Again, not my hives but similar to this.
compliments of

And now I had to drive to Regina to get my lymph node checked.   The woman asked if I had been sick recently and I almost lost it.

By Wednesday night I was even worse. When I woke up on Thursday I was still covered and just as itchy. I was starting to tremble again.  Get this, there were hives in my psoriasis.  What kind of cruel joke is that?  I spent all day trying not to think of anything that might result in scratching.  I was tired, itchy, trembling and sore.  And then the worst part.  I got my period.

Now if you are a woman you will understand this.  I almost cried.  What more could happen?  WTF!!! I told my husband that I was only missing a cold sore.  That would complete the oozing horror story my life had become.  How in three days I went from elation to complete devastation is beyond me.  I simply do not know what the hell had happened.

So that is my week.  Well five days really.  And we start at the beginning again.  As soon as the hives go away I have to start taking my anti seizure drugs again and see if I get hives again, so they know what I am allergic to.  It just keeps getting better and better.

Wow sorry this was a long one.  I will go into PKD more another time.  Just because I would be bored if I were you.  Hope I didn't bore you too much.  Thanks for reading!

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Why I started wrapping my kids gifts again

My daughter has her fifteenth birthday coming up.  To me this feels like a big deal.  She doesn’t think so.  She can’t wait to grow up and leave all of this behind.  I remember the feeling of being a young lady (girl, what’s the word now??) I couldn’t wait to leave the farm.  I’m sure she can’t either.

When my boy turned 15, it didn’t seem the same.  His 15th didn’t seem like such a big deal.  But now that it’s the girl, it feels different.  Maybe because I had another kid coming up through the ranks.  Maybe because he was the boy?  I’m not sure. 

When the boy turned 16, he got his licence right away.  We had planned for it.  We had a vehicle for him to drive.  I brought him home from getting his licence.  He climbed out of my car and into his and drove down the laneway.  And I was standing there watching the taillights leave and feeling odd.  It was an instant separation for me and a liberation for him.  I remember the first time I drove out of the yard with my licence, screaming the whole way.  (Right D.C.)  I was picturing that feeling for him and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. You see, he was, I wasn’t. 

But when I see the girl at 15, I see her pulling out of the yard at 16.  It feels weird.  Like I may be trying to put spilled milk back in the glass.  Like I have been doing it for years but just didn’t know I was.  Because when she drives out of the yard, I won’t have another child to turn to.  It will just be me and him.  And he’s pretty entertaining but I don’t know if he is THAT entertaining. 

I have spent a lot of years getting my kids ready to leave my house.  They have done their own laundry for years, do the dishes every night, have chores they need to complete.  I have taught them to time manage, how to be someone else’s spouse, and how to be confident in them selves.  It has only begun to dawn on me that time is drawing near.  I did a lot of talking that I am now having to face head on. 

I stopped doing some things when I was busy and I didn’t think the kids would care. One was wrapping the kids birthday gifts.  I  bought them stuff, put it in a gift bag if I remembered but usually, and I am kind of ashamed to say, left it in the bag I bought it in, took off the tags, rolled it up and gave it to them.  I didn’t realize what I was taking away from me.  I missed the memories of them tearing open birthday gifts.  They don’t think they missed anything, but I did.  I missed the moments of wrapping the gifts, preparing them for them, picturing them opening them thrilled, I missed that.  And I am not going to take those moments away from myself anymore.  Those little moments were my whole life with them.  And the moments were only a few more moments I could work.  And now I am regretting those choices.  And I am not going to make the wrong one anymore. 

Saturday, 8 March 2014


Do you remember when we were kids and our birthday was coming up?  We lost sleep, hoped for good gifts and poured over the list of people who would be invited to our party. I was the oldest of four kids and definitely not popular so my list had to be short, usually just a couple of kids, so my party was not going to raise my status at all.  When we were kids our gifts where modest.  Mom and Dad were ranchers which meant the income was modest too.  And we were happy with it.

I'm not sure exactly what happened to shift the expectations of a party.  Maybe the start of Pintrest?  I really think that we seem to view our child's party as a status symbol of our own.  Have you ever looked in your child's goodie bag and sniffed in disgust at what was in there?  Be honest.  Have you dropped a kid off and stuck you head in the door to check out the decorations?  We all judge each other.  And I am here to say :"That's stupid".  It really is.  It is a huge waste of our energy.  I can't think of a way to say it in a more politically correct way.  We have to stopl.  We judge at every turn.  Even if we don't put it into words.  We see dust on a ceiling fan, eat dry brownies or see a little girl with her hair un-brushed, and we judge.  The lines runs across our brain.  "I would do better." "I would be better."  "My kids would never leave the house like that."

A lot of these expectations began in a very different time.  A time when mothers stayed home and made popcorn balls and tended huge gardens and canned everything in sight, including the chickens tended in the yard.  Those mothers judged the first woman that worked outside of the home. "huhmd, she didn't plant a garden.  She is going to buy store bought vegetables this year.  Can you imagine?" And our grandmothers has immaculate houses and we thought we should "be" that. 

And then we see mothers on the other end now.  Moms that work in the home that is well off and have more timed for planning and organizing.  They use their time and resources to throw wonderfully decorated cakes and decorations type parties.  And then we think we should "be" that. 
Thanks to Creating Couture Parties

And then we see the high power CEO woman that has a cleaning lady and a personal assistant.  She gets her nails done, her hair cut on time and exercises daily.  She is a gracious and kind mother that breezes into a room and lights up with her calm demeanor as she works a room.  And we think we should "be" that. 

And we aren't.  We work at Walmart, or a legal office, or a drug store. And we are so far down the ruler we use to measure ourselves that we don't ever register.  And that is wrong.  Our lives count!  We matter! And the life that we build is worth more than one grade three birthday party.  Our love is all consuming.  And our respect and love for each other should come  through.  We are women.  We should love each other and stop the judging, even if it is in our head. We need to disagree with that voice until it becomes silent. We need to teach our girls that mothering is about love, not scrubbing the ceiling fan.  

Mothering is listening to the small voice in the dark that says "I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?" And we throw back the covers and feel that small body climb in .  That moment should be the one we remember.  The moment when we are the one that can fight monsters, scare away the boogie man and slay the wicked witch. We are enough. We are everything we need to be.  We need to stop the madness that is causing us nothing but anxiety and stress.  We need to treat each other with the kindness that we would appreciate. We are the hero in our own lives.  We need to save ourselves.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Physical And Emotional Sickness

One of the things that I have noticed with being sick is how much time is devoted to simply being sick. I spend hours on the couch or in bed. Which really is the only thing that is comfortable now. Being in bed. I have a specific way of placing my pillows, propping up my leopard print pillow, putting my legs at an exactly appropriate angle. My remotes must be within an easy reach. My heater control on my bed side, my Young Living diffuser running, TV on to some sort of mindless drivel, my laptop or hubbies ipad on my lap and me in my comfy PJ’s. The end.
My new favorite thing-My Young Living diffuser
This is how everyday starts and finishes in my house. Yeah me! (Insert sarcasm here) Don’t you think my husband won the jackpot. I’m sure having a woman that wanted to spend all their time in bed was high on the list of qualities he wanted in a woman. I just don’t think this was quite what he was looking for.
I was a huge pusher. Nothing was ever perfect enough. Nothing was ever done enough. I wasn’t smart enough or good enough.
And here is the kicker. I have been doing even less than nothing for about six months now. And I am still here. I have however, had to find other things about me that are literally worthy. I had no idea how wrapped up my work, home, parenting had in my self worth.
What They Are Thinking I Have
There have been a lot of physical symptoms but the mental has been no hell either. It was something I was not expecting. I know that I have talked about this before in my blog but that’s because it is a really big deal that I am still getting my head around. I thought I would be back to work by now and everything would be hunky dory by now. But it’s still not happening.
I had a neurologist appointment on Friday. They gave me an anti-epileptic medication that has been shown to help a condition
Called PKD not the kidney PKD the other one. I had to get him to write it down. Who can remember that. In 14 days I will know if itp works or not. Maybe even sooner. If it doesn’t work, then my dr has agreed to help me go south because this is the last idea he had. This is the first time I have been treated for anything in a year. How crazy is that. So here’s hopin’!

Monday, 3 March 2014

Amazed and Blessed: Forever Friends Ladies Night Out Auction!

Amazed and Blessed: Forever Friends Ladies Night Out Auction!: As we approach the auction, I am aware that I have not blogged as much as I did last year.  Although I am not working it seems as though I c...