Wednesday, 25 September 2013

The rest of my story

By Sunday, I was so sick I could hardly stand.  On Monday I got a visit from my rheumatologist.  Again no diagnoses.  However at this point after a consult they decided to decide on a prescription.  I was taking one of my migraine pills every 12 hours.  At least at that point they worked. But I was still very, very sick.  They gave me gravol before and after they gave me my Celebrex.  At that point I decided that my nausea and stomach trouble was being caused by the Celebrex. 

At first I didn't know for sure.  I thought the spinal tap could have caused some of the troubles.  But I decided to not take the Celebrex and see what happened.  If I got better, Celebrex, if I didn't, spinal tap.  I'm no doctor but for me, that made sense.  Luckily the other doctor stopped in and I told him that I would not take it anymore.  As the hours passed from my last one, I got stronger. 

On Tuesday, they sent me home.  Significantly sicker than the week before when I went in. 

It took me two weeks to recover.  And if left to the doctor's I still wouldn't be a good as I am.  I had to double my dose of medication they gave me just to get my migraines under control.  I was supposed to have an appointment on the 23rd, but the specialist's receptionist called to tell me that my appointment would be a "waste of time" so I was obviously on my own.  Desperate times for desperate measures.  (This is not a practice I am recommending DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME)

And again here I sit.  Because I am continuing to get worse I am not once again unsure of how to proceed.  I am going to be contacting Patient Services today in order to find out what I should do next. 

This has been a very humbling experience.  I have learned something.  I was watching a taped Oprah's Lifeclass.  She had Dr. Brene Brown on the show discussing vulnerability.  It was an amazing experience.  I would recommend anyone watching it.  I made my husband.  And he didn't hate it.  It was basically about opening yourself up to the people in your life that will love you because of your shortfalls not in spite of them.  One of the things they talked about was people that help others, without being willing to ask for help themselves.  I was actually waving my hand in the air. 

Why is it that I have no problem being the person that does all I can for others, but now that I need help, I feel horrible to ask for it.  You know why, because I think/thought that people would think less of me if I asked for help.  Think I wasn't tough, like I was looking for sympathy.  And watching that I realized that I am screwed up. 

Dr. Brene Brown said that if we give help but won't ask for it, that means when we are giving help we are giving it with judgment.  And because we are judging others while helping them we are then not wanting people to judge us when they help us.  So we ourselves don't ask for help.  How messed up is that.  And it's true.  Not in a bad way, I have never felt like I judged people I helped.  But I realized that on at least some level, I thought it was true.  That people would judge me if I asked. 

I thought about that a lot.  Then I watched it again.  Then I started to let that go.  I have asked my friends for books.  I have let my Aunt bring veggies and pie to my house for supper.  I did not clean when my friend stopped by for a visit.  And I did not die.  I decided that if I can only sit/stand for an hour, I would rather spend the whole hour with her, not half cleaning, half visiting.  And I'm pretty sure she will come back. 

If you get a chance, you can also watch Dr. Brene Brown on YouTube in a "TED" talk.  20 min, she's very funny and its worth the time.  Especially if you are a person opposed to letting people into your life for fear of rejection or judgment.  And even more so if you think you aren't, like me.

Let me know what you think.  Thanks for your time.  It is precious and a gift I truly appreciate.